3

Kizu was the type, once he started something, to persist-his character molded by his experiences in America, where he often felt terribly isolated and found that once he gave up, things got even worse-and he wasn't about to get discouraged by a couple of failed experiments. A motivating factor behind his persistence, Kizu was well aware, was the jealousy aroused in him when Ikuo revealed that he'd played the man before. As one failure followed another, this jealousy for some unknown past rival turned into a burning rage.

As a far-off memory, Kizu recalled reading Plato's words to the effect that human beings cannot hold two different emotions within them at the same time. This idea served to protect the emotions that-at the conscious level-he'd already prevented from making a comeback: the fear that his strong jealousy of Ikuo would accelerate the spread of the cancer within him, and his regret at having run from the advice he'd received in America to have himself get a thorough examination.

Dancer phoned him, asking him, if it was possible, to come over to dis- cuss something with Patron. Recently Kizu had caught a ride two or three times with Ikuo when he went back to the office, but each time he found everyone rushing around like mad and had left without speaking with Patron.

Today, though, as he entered Patron's bedroom study, he spied a plan of the buildings in Shikoku that Dancer had prepared. As was his wont, though they hadn't seen each other since the memorial service, Patron didn't greet Kizu; instead, he seemed to be watching him closely. Finally Patron spoke up, explaining how he wanted to move his office to the building in the woods shown in the plan and start his church there. Kizu mentioned he'd heard from the newspaper reporter that the buildings were unusual modern structures and were being taken care of very thoroughly-but Patron cut him short.

"After they purchased these buildings, the followers apparently took turns staying in them for short periods of time," Patron said, "and things went smoothly between the people from the Kansai headquarters and the local people. Which isn't to say that if we move there to build our church there won't be friction. We need to understand this before we begin, and I think as Ikuo said the first step is to have an organized vanguard group of followers move to Shikoku. I'd planned to start the new movement with people who contacted me after the Somersault, but what Ogi's done will eventually be of use."

Patron went on to explain what Kizu was aware of how the Kansai head- quarters had directed his attention to this woods surrounded by mountains and how things had developed since then.

"The Kansai headquarters, which essentially means the whole church that's been active till now, has proposed to give these buildings over to me in order for me to build a new church. While Guide and I were in hell and com- pletely unproductive, the Kansai headquarters built up quite a sound finan- cial base. Sometimes I even wonder whether it's right to accept all they've accomplished."

"If the church will again be centered around you and these people will be absorbed into it," Kizu said, "their proposal makes perfect sense. You might even say that after your Somersault the Kansai headquarters anticipated a day like this and prepared accordingly."

"I imagine that to them my actions in the Somersault must have seemed pretty shallow."

"But when you look at all the groups that have been able to maintain themselves independently," Kizu said, "the Kansai headquarters, the women's commune, and the former Izu radical faction, that must mean your teach- ings had an underlying and enduring strength."

"But Guide and I completely denied those teachings. And I'm not about to reverse my position."

"When I listen to you I get the impression you want to reach out first of all to the followers you abandoned. What with all those fights the local gov- ernment had to get Aum Shinrikyo to evacuate their satyan, I imagine our job from now on won't be easy."

"Indeed it won't," Patron said, a glint in his eye. "Can I ask you, too, Professor, to move to our new headquarters in Shikoku?"

"Ikuo is very enthusiastic about your plan for the church and, as I've told you, I go where he goes."

Still looking Kizu straight in the eye, Patron said, "Of course, I'll also be counting on you to be the new Guide. Anyway, the reason I asked you to come over today is that Dancer feels anxious. She thinks you've changed some- how. Now that I see you myself I see something's troubling you. I haven't asked Ikuo about this, but I feel there's something going on with you physi- cally that isn't encouraging."

Kizu was surprised, but at the same time he found this completely natu- ral. "At the beginning of this month I started to show some clear symptoms," he began. "And I had a specialist confirm what I thought. It's not at a stage where an operation would help much, and actually I left America because I didn't feel like having one. It's terminal cancer. My doctor was very sympa- thetic to my viewpoint and said he'll help me control the pain so I can remain active on my own.

"As time goes on it'll be harder and harder for me to be the Guide, but as long as I'm not a burden, I want nothing more than to help Ikuo. At my checkup I wasn't given a definite amount of time I have left, but I'm count- ing on a year."

Patron leaned forward toward Kizu, his head tilted to one side. Kizu saw his intent eyes fill with a sorrow deeper than any he'd ever seen in a liv- ing person, let alone in any painting. In the very depths of this, like another eye, Patron gazed with great curiosity at this being named Kizu before him.

"Since you were told you have a year to live by someone with experi- ence in these matters, I imagine that's the way it'll turn out. You may be going through a physical crisis, but spiritually you're strong. While I'm still able to count on your help, I want to make very clear again the significance behind my starting this church. If the historian doesn't have much time left, the ones creating history can't afford to dawdle… I expect that within this year, sooner rather than later, you will see a. sign I give, or a sign I become, and then you'll be able to write your history. I'll say it once again-that will be your task as the new Guide."

Patron lowered his eyelashes-thick lashes for a man his age. Eyes closed, he remained silent, as if he'd forgotten Kizu was there. Noiselessly Kizu stood up, left the room, and reported to Dancer what had just taken place. With a look that said she realized something very important had transpired in their discussion, she disappeared down the darkened corridor.

In the minivan on their way back to Kizu's apartment, Kizu told Ikuo about Patron's comments about looking for a sign-and becoming a sign-within a year. And related to this he told him all about his cancer. As always, Ikuo kept his eyes on the road as he drove. Kizu looked straight ahead too, even after he finished, but he could sense that Ikuo was deeply moved by what he'd heard. After a long stretch of silence, Ikuo finally spoke.

"When I was at a turning point in my life, you gave me a clue as to where to go, even though it meant a personal sacrifice on your part. We still haven't known each other that long, but you've done this for me any number of times.

When Patron heard you had cancer and only a year left, he must have come to a decision. I don't know what he means about giving a sign, but I do know you should take it seriously."

When they arrived at the apartment, as if by unspoken agreement they put off making dinner and went directly to bed. Ikuo diligently kneaded and massaged Kizu's buttocks and gave them some light slaps. Other than a few words to make sure that he wasn't putting too much weight on Kizu's abdo- men-that it wasn't painful-Ikuo was silent. Soon, as if making a comfort- able breakthrough in Kizu's body, Ikuo's penis penetrated him at a single stroke, and he stopped moving. Taking his time, Ikuo caressed Kizu's tes- ticles and penis, as well as the area around his own penis that was so snugly buried. With Ikuo's penis deep within him, Kizu came. It was exactly the kind of internal intense feeling that Naomi had spoken of.