“I, uh …” Scanning through every letter, email and conversation in my head, I try to think of anything to help me out, but I come up empty. “I have no idea. I don’t even know where to start. There is a number on my phone, one that pops up when he calls, but I don’t know if I’m allowed to call it—or even if I should. Not after what I heard on the phone.” I don’t know the fucking rules or procedures or anything, and it’s driving me insane. Rubbing a hand over my face, I thread my fingers into my hair, gripping it at the roots. What do I do?

“I wish I had some answers for you, sweetie, but I don’t.” Mama sighs, readjusting herself on my pillows. “Devin always was a smart young man, and I’m sure he could tell how scared you were on the phone.” I nod, remembering his words and the way he was trying to comfort and reassure me when all hell was obviously breaking loose around him. “I’m sure that, whenever he can, he’ll find a way to reach out to you.”

“I know.” Biting my lip, I suck it into my mouth. “But that doesn’t help me now. I’m scared for him. I want to know that he’s okay.”

“I know, honey.”

“He’s more than my friend,” I whisper, tucking my head under her chin. “I know it sounds silly, but I feel like I’m right back where I was when I was eighteen. It’s like nothing has changed. My feelings haven’t wavered, and if anything, they’ve only grown stronger. He feels it too,” I add, just in case she’s wondering if the feeling is mutual. Under thick lashes, I peek up at my mom to find her smiling. “It’s sort of scary because it’s not like I forgot that he left me, Mama. And I do believe him when he says he’ll never leave me again. But what if this time he doesn’t have a choice?”

Sayings these things out loud, telling someone else all of the feelings that I have for Devin, is freeing in a way I never expected. It’s almost as if, after he left all those years ago, I balled up everything inside, tucked it all away and never talked about it again. “Do I sound crazy?”

“Not crazy,” she whispers.

“I never felt for Wyatt what I feel for Devin, and it’s terrifying because I haven’t even seen him in ten years.”

“Love doesn’t have an expiration date, Katie. There is no cookie cutter for it, and there sure as hell aren’t instructions. It just is. Who says you can’t fall in love with someone who’s already broken your heart? Who says you can’t move on and then fall in love all over again from thousands of miles away via letters and emails? That’s the great thing about love … it finds you. And when it’s true love, it doesn’t go away, and you just know. You don’t have to wonder or guess, because it just … is.”

“That’s exactly how I feel.” A sense of peace blankets me, a smile tugging at the corner of my mouth. “How did you get so smart?”

Mama laughs. “It’s a mother thing. You’ll understand one of these days.”

“I love you. You know that, right? I know I was a pain after Daddy … after Daddy died, and I know I said some things and did some things—”

“You’ve already apologized. No more.” Kissing my head, she slides from the bed and I sit up, wishing she would stay. There is just something about being wrapped in your mother’s arms. For a few moments, I was a kid again, and her words and soothing touch had the ability to make everything better. “We all grieve in our own way, on our own schedule. I knew you’d get through it, you just needed time.”

“Where are you going?”

“Home. I need to take care of the horses.”

“No.” Flinging my legs over the edge of the bed, I stand up. “I’ll do it. I told you I’d take care of them.”

Mama cups my face in her hands. “Not today.” Her words may be simple, but they’re firm, leaving no room for discussion. “You need to be here. I know you’re worried, but try to stay positive and strong until you hear something.”

That’s easier said than done. “Okay, Mama. Thank you.”

Following her through the house, I give her one last kiss before watching her walk out the front door. She shuts it gently behind her and I’m left standing in my living room. Everything is quiet and I feel lost, so I do the only thing I can do … I communicate with Devin the one way I know how in this moment.

To: Sergeant Devin U. Clay

From: Katie Devora

Subject:

Devin,

I left the subject line empty because I simply didn’t know what to put. I’m scared. No, scared probably isn’t a strong enough word. I’m terrified. I have no idea what happened today … sure, I can take a few guesses, but what I know for certain is that you were torn away from me, your words cut off, and in a split second, you were gone. And right now I just really need to know that you’re okay. Actually, you have to be okay because there are still so many plans we need to make and things that I need to tell you.

My mom came over after our phone call. I needed someone to be with me because I felt like I was falling apart. I told her all about how we became reacquainted, and I half expected her to go all Mama Bear because of the way things ended between us. But she didn’t. She stepped up to the plate and took care of me, just like I needed her to do.

Okay, so I’m going to go about my day, cleaning the house and doing laundry, but don’t think for a second that you aren’t consuming every single spot in my head. Because you are, and that won’t change until I hear back from you—and I will hear back from you. Please call me as soon as you can.

Love,

Katie

It’s been twenty-four hours since I heard Devin’s voice. Twenty-four hours of waiting, worrying and pacing … and I have been doing a lot of pacing. And where there is pacing, there is thinking, and right now, I’m thinking about all of the things I may never get to say to Devin.

To: Sergeant Devin U. Clay

From: Katie Devora

Subject: I want you

Devin,

I had a dream last night that we were on the phone. You were laughing at something I said and there was a loud bang. It was a weird dream, because even though you were on the phone, I could see you. I watched you get thrown across the room and you were lying there, writhing in pain, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do. I was screaming, desperately beating at the invisible wall keeping me from getting to you, but it wasn’t doing any good. I was frantic to get to you, but I couldn’t.

That was it … I woke up in a cold sweat and then realized it wasn’t a dream. I realized that it was real, only in reality, I don’t know if you’re okay. I don’t know if you’re lying somewhere, hurt … or dead. I’ve decided that I don’t like the unknown … it leaves too much room for my mind to wander, and my mind doesn’t usually wander in the right direction.

I have to work today. I’m not sure if working will be a good thing or a bad thing. You’re still consuming every inch of space in my head … and my heart. I forgot to tell you that the last time we spoke, but it’s true.

Love,

Katie

Clasping my hands together, my gaze flits around the room, avoiding the computer sitting right in front of me. My stomach rumbles, but I don’t dare put anything in it, not with the amount of throwing up that I’ve been doing.

Thoughts of Devin fill every second of every day. Yesterday after work, I broke down and began searching the Internet for any information that I could find. I had no idea what to search for, so I started combing through headlines on the Internet, hoping to see something—anything—that might give me some sort of peace … some sort of comfort in the hell I’ve been living. I found nothing.