She turned back to the packages of coffee and decided they looked just fine as they were.

Lisa handed her what had to be her seventeenth cup of coffee that day, after stirring in cream and two heaping teaspoons of sugar. Kate waited a moment, stared at the mug, and then added another teaspoon of the sweet stuff.

Her friend giggled. “I see we’re back on sugar.”

“Sugar and I were never meant to be apart.” She stirred the hot beverage and licked the spoon, enjoying the tingle on her tongue. “Have you seen Donny?”

Lisa nodded. “When he rushed over to tell me about you and Doyle, he acted pretty excited to be at home. Personally, I think he was just happy seeing someone take the heat for once.”

Kate put her hand on Lisa’s arm. “But then he disappeared again?”

Lisa gave a short laugh, though it lacked in humor. “Actually, no. Even though I was angry at you, I read him the riot act for trying to get someone else in trouble just to try and get me on his side. We talked. For a long time. I mean really talked.”

“You did?”

Lisa nodded. “At first it was the same old song and dance. He was just trying to ‘protect’ me by pointing out what a shitty friend you were. Sorry, his words.”

Kate smiled. “That’s okay.”

“But then he just went on this crazy rant. Talking about how he hated the world for messing up his life. Our lives. He blamed Doyle, he blamed you, he blamed the security guard who threw him out. He blamed me, and the kids, and my mom. He blamed his boss for not giving him a raise, and his co-workers for undermining him. Then he blamed his car for breaking down and the mechanic for ripping him off. And I think it was around that time he realized he was blaming just about everyone he knew. Except himself.”

Kate said nothing, but her eyes widened.

“It just sort of hit him. Like he’d seen himself in a mirror for the first time. I think that’s when he realized he was the one who messed up our lives.”

“Wow. That’s sort of huge.”

“I know. He broke down after that. Cried for over an hour. That’s when we really talked, and for the first time ever he seemed to listen. He’s agreed to get help.”

“Oh, Lisa. That’s such a big step. I’m really happy for you.”

“I don’t have illusions. I know it’ll be a long road. But I want to help him, and more importantly, he wants to as well. We’re all seeing a family therapist, and he’s started going to Gam-Anon. I think we’ll get past this, and for once I don’t feel like I’m fooling myself.”

They quietly shared their coffee for a time. Kate was still somewhat skeptical about her friend’s husband, but Lisa didn’t need to hear that right now. She didn’t want to tear down all her hopes. But Donny had accepted responsibility, which was more than her father ever did. Maybe there was hope for them after all.

Tired of the silence, Lisa changed the subject back to Kate. “So about you and Doyle?”

She gave her coffee one more, absentminded stir, watching the little whorls dissipate. “I don’t know. Liam was just…too much for me. Too much money. Too much intensity. Too much sex.”

Lisa looked doubtful. “Um, just for the record, there’s no such thing as too much sex.”

Kate grinned. “There is when it’s all you do. Don’t get me wrong. It was good. Shouting-from-the-rooftops good. But our whole relationship was based on this bizarre attraction. I don’t know if it ever had the potential to get deeper than that. Liam’s been hurting for so long, has lost so much in his life. He said he didn’t want to lose me, but I think he’s just terrified of losing anything. It’s as if he built this empire of…stuff.” She wrinkled her nose. “And there’s the whole casino thing. How can I ever get past that?”

“Maybe you don’t need to.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s his work, not his life. Maybe you just come to an agreement that you never talk work.”

“No. I don’t want to censor him. Besides, casinos are his life. He practically lives in one.”

Lisa tugged at her bottom lip. “Right. The fancy suite with the mile-long fireplace. How could I forget?” The look on her face made it clear she’d already imagined the fantasy suite in minute detail. “Look, Kate, I’m hardly one to lecture another person on choosing a partner. Look at the situation I’m in. But you admitted you and Liam love each other, and I’ve never seen you cry over anyone before. You’ve always been the one to help others with their relationships. I think this thing with Liam runs deeper than you know.”

Kate shook her head. Was she ready for something that deep? Was he? Not if that newspaper was any indication.

“He already made strides. Damn, you said he dropped the custody suit. Doesn’t that prove the man is trying to change?”

It seemed like eons ago. Even though she’d been mostly asleep, she remembered feeling such pride, such relief, on his behalf.

But she knew full well people didn’t really change. Look at her father. Look at any number of the other addicts she’d known. She wanted Donny to be the one to prove her wrong, but it didn’t mean she wouldn’t reserve her judgment. She’d learned long ago it was easier to change her reactions than to compel others to seek help. And where she couldn’t affect change, she left.

There was something to be said for keeping one’s sanity.

“Kate?”

She gave Lisa half a smile. “I can’t ask Liam to give up his career for me. I won’t. It’s better if I just forget him.”

Even as she said the words, they hung at the back of her throat.

Forget him. Ha. It would be easier to forget her own name.

Chapter Sixteen

“I’m not sure I can do this,” Kate said on her way into her first New Horizons meeting in weeks.

Lisa rallied behind her. “Of course you can.” She steered her friend to one of the well-worn chairs. “Honesty is the best policy, right?”

“Right.” She took a deep breath and watched as Rod started the meeting, welcoming new members. After the initial icebreakers, he opened the floor to anyone who wanted to share. Audrey spoke first, updating the group on her struggles with her boyfriend, and then a couple of new members shared their stories.

After thirty odd minutes, Rod turned to Kate with a smile. “It’s good to see you back. The floor’s yours if you want it, Kate.”

“I’d like that.” She folded her hands in her lap, looking down. “As some of you know, I recently had a…relationship with Liam Doyle, the owner of the Vice casino. I’m not going to apologize for that. That’s a whole other story. I do have to apologize for something else, though. When I started this group, I told you all that I’d cut my dad out of my life. The truth was, I’d been enabling him for years, sending him money. It killed me to do it, but I couldn’t stop. I was so scared to cut him off. Afraid of what might happen.”

“It’s never easy,” Lisa said.

“No. But I got help from an unlikely source. Believe it or not, it was Liam Doyle who helped me to be strong. And even though I’m not seeing him anymore, I’ll always be grateful to him for that. But that doesn’t change the past. I’m sorry I lied to you all.”

The room grew silent. A couple of the members traded looks.

Kate stood up. “I’d understand if you want me to leave.”

“Hon,” said Rod, grinning. “Don’t be so dramatic. Have a seat. We’d like you to stay. Besides, we recently received a big donation and are planning on setting up a couple of new groups. I’m not just being a sentimental sap when I say we need you.”

Emotion bubbled inside her. Kate hadn’t lost her friends after all and the streak of relief that shot through her made her feel ten years younger.

Unfortunately it did nothing to fill the other gaping hole inside her.

Lisa dropped her off at her apartment that night. Kate waved, turned and sighed. The idea of facing another night alone, without Liam, had her skin bristling. It had been three weeks since she walked away from him and her heart still cried out for him, still wanted him.