I don’t understand, I thought. Is it in someone’s house? Whose?

But already, she was starting to fade – just like in the dream I’d had on the journey here. “No!” I cried in alarm. “Oh, Mom, wait – please don’t go—”

It was as if we were clinging to each other in a windstorm, pulled apart inch by inch. A last sense of love – of frustration – and she was gone.

“Mom,” I whispered raggedly. I opened my eyes; realized my cheeks were damp with tears. “We – we communicated,” I said, swiping at them with my hand. “She tried to tell me, but I couldn’t…” I trailed off as my throat tightened. Mom.

Alex drew me towards him, swing and all; he wrapped his arms around me tight. A sob escaped me. “She knew who I was,” I choked out against his chest. “Oh god, Alex, she really knew who I was…”

“I know,” he whispered into my hair. “She loves you so much – she wanted to know all about you.”

I shut my eyes hard and for a moment just pressed close to him, listening to the quiet thudding of both our hearts – and then I remembered lying on the scratchy carpet of our bedroom, crying until there were no tears left.

It felt as if I’d been punched. I winced and drew back.

“Willow, no, stop – please don’t pull away.” Alex clutched my hands. “Listen to me,” he said intensely. “I get it, okay? I swear to you, I get it. What you went through—” His Adam’s apple moved; his eyes were suddenly bright as he touched my hair. “I can never make it up to you. Never, no matter what I do. I’m sorry – oh Christ, I am so sorry. But please don’t push me away.”

“Don’t, just – don’t.” I pressed my fingers against suddenly pounding temples. “I told you I can’t do this now, Alex.”

His voice was steady. “The attack could come any time. We could die with this still between us – is that what you want?”

And suddenly the rage that had been building for three days burst through like a tsunami.

My head snapped up. “You are kidding me,” I said. “Are you really sitting there lecturing me on things I should do before I die? You? I suppose you had a – a checklist, didn’t you, before you took off?”

“Willow—”

“Where on the list was telling me I was your life? Number three, maybe? Because one was obviously lying to me, and two must have been to remember to pack your gun—”

“Willow!” He gripped my arms. “Don’t do this,” he said quietly.

“Why not? Because you don’t feel like hearing it? Because you get it now, so we can just forget all about it?”

“That is not what I meant!” Frustration darkened his features. “Look, I know I deserve this, but at least get it right. I wanted to tell you the truth—”

I jumped to my feet; my voice rose in a shout: “If you wanted to tell me, then why didn’t you, you coward? It was just easier for you to go and get killed than be honest with me!”

“Yes!” he yelled back; the word echoed across the playground. “Yes, okay? I was wrong. What else can I say? I’d do anything if I could undo this last year for you, but I can’t; we’re stuck with it!”

“We?”

His eyes flashed as he also stood up. “Yeah, we! Or don’t you think this is affecting me too? What, do you think I’m enjoying this?”

The words came out low and deadly. “Let me tell you something – you think you ‘get it’? You don’t have a clue. I loved you so completely, Alex. Part of me died with you that day, and I have never gotten her back.”

Alex swallowed hard. He stood staring at me. “Loved,” he said softly.

“What?”

“You said you ‘loved me so completely’. Does that mean you don’t any more?”

I hugged myself. The way I felt now was just a mess. Love. Hate. Anger. Sorrow.

“I…can’t even answer that.”

“Willow—” He started to touch my arm; I jerked away, furious and close to tears.

“Stop it! Stop touching me like you’ve got a right to! You don’t any more; you gave it up when you disappeared for a year!”

Alex’s face in the silvery light looked carved from stone – his hands clenched into fists. “What about the other night?” he demanded in a low voice. “You told me you loved me then, remember? And you sure as hell acted like you did.”

Something snapped. “It doesn’t matter!” I screamed. “Don’t you understand? It doesn’t matter what I feel for you – because every time I look at you, all I can think about is crying myself to sleep at night! Even if I love you, I might as well hate you – because that’s what it feels like!”

My voice rang through the night. Alex stood very still, his eyes locked on mine – his expression full of pain. “All right. I understand,” he said finally, his tone unnaturally level. “But I love you, and that will never change. Even if you hate me until the day you die.”

Shuddering, I gripped my face with both hands, breathing hard. It felt as if everything was caving in on me at once: Alex, the thwarted communication with Mom, Raziel about to attack.

Mom. Raziel.

It hit me hard, knocking everything else out of my mind – out of the whole world. I gasped, my eyes widening. “Oh god, of course,” I whispered. “I’ve got to go to Schenectady Eden.”

“What?”

I’d already turned away; Alex lunged after me and grabbed my arm. “Tell me what’s going on, Willow!”

I was desperate to leave; the words rushed out. “Don’t you see? Raziel knew Mom. I’ve got to read him, somehow; it’s the only way we might find the gate.”

“Are you insane?” Alex demanded. “Schenectady is full of thousands of angels! And you want to just wander in and read Raziel?”

“Have you got a better idea?”

“You’ll be killed,” he said flatly.

“And if I don’t go, we’ll all be killed!”

His jaw was tight. “All right, I’m coming with you.”

“What?” It was the last thing I wanted. “Alex, no – you need to stay here.”

Anger leaped across his face. “Jesus, Willow! If you think I’m going to just sit here while you head off to Schenectady—” He stopped short, glaring at me. “Maybe you didn’t hear me before, but I love you. You’re stuck with me.”

There was no time to argue. “Fine,” I said, and we headed to the walkway where the trucks were parked.

34

THE DRIVE TO SCHENECTADY ONLY took half an hour. Alex sat without speaking as I drove, rubbing his chin with his knuckle as he stared out at the empty highway. I longed to have a radio to switch on – anything to battle the quiet. Anything to take my mind off what I’d shouted.

But every word I’d said was true.

Finally I saw the familiar billboard, its silver letters sparkling in the headlights: THE ANGELS CAN SAVE YOU! Church of Angels Schenectady, Exit 8. A mile later I spun the steering wheel.

Alex looked at me for the first time since we’d set off. “How do you know he’s there?”

“He always stays at the church,” I answered tightly. Two years ago Raziel and I had had a psychic link. I knew far more about my father than I wanted to.

The energy of thousands of angels prickled at me like the air before a storm. Up ahead, the glow of Schenectady Eden drowned out the stars. Before I’d travelled even another half-mile, I saw the stark barbed-wire fence that enclosed the Church of Angels and the rest of Schenectady.

I pulled over to the shoulder under some trees and killed the engine. Staring at the fence, I said, “I guess we’d better walk from here on out.”

Alex was checking his rifle; he slid the bolt home without looking at me. “Unless you plan on driving right through the main gate. Hey, that’d get Raziel’s attention.”

I didn’t answer. We got out and started to walk. I’d rarely been this close to an Eden before; my every instinct was screaming at me to get away, not stroll right up to it.

Street lights up ahead shone on the church and blocks of new apartment buildings – mostly dark, with one or two lights on here and there.